Thursday, January 5, 2012

25 People You Might See In The Bathroom At Work

When going to the bathroom at work, here is a list of 25 people you may encounter:

1) The Rambler
This guy will talk your ear off or talk incessantly to the person on the other end of his Bluetooth (or god forbid, his cell phone which he is holding as he does his business) I will usually schedule a flush as he is talking so that the person on the other end of the phone is keenly aware that he is doing his busines while talking to them. What a Douchbag.

2) The Loner
The fellow that walks in and immediately will turn around and walks out since he wants to do his business all alone. Easily mistaken for Mr. Sensitive.

2A) Mr. Sensitive
Will walk in and after inhaling a noxious fume from a previous user, will turn around and walk out. Might make a comment, something like "Damn" or "Jeez" on his way out.

3) The Shy Guy
This fellow will bypass three urinals and head straight for the handicapped stall, close the door, wait for everyone to leave and then pee, standing up.

4) The Larry
In honor of Larry Craig, who apparently was fond of the "wide-stance" while doing his business. These guys will spread their legs so that their shoes are nearly under the stall wall and encroaching upon your area. An area in which you are not painfully aware of how small it has become. God help you if you are stuck between two Larrys'.

5) The OCD Washer
This is the guy that will wash his hands for so long you find yourself looking up to see what the problem is. Why is it taking this guy four minutes to wash his hands? Wash them, and get out. Got it? And quit ripping off twelve sheets of paper to dry your hands, its wasteful.

6) The Brush-Back Artist
This is the guy who stops by to brush his teeth, usually after lunch. I don't have a problem with these guys, except they remind me that I should brush more often and then I feel like a slob and that I am lazy. Thanks for the reminder that I am in fact, a slob and am lazy.

7) The Fraternity
This is when multiple guys come in at once, talking about everything under the sun, usually sports and end up hanging out for a little too long. Kiss already and get it over with, you guys, you know you want to. Or take it outside, either way, move on.

8) Mr. Bored
This guy is the person in the office that avoids work at all costs, including going to the bathroom and washing his hands, adjusting his hair, looking at his skin close-up, maybe adjust his trousers or his shirt collar a few times, all the while, never actually using the bathroom.

9) The Tweeter
This guy just wants to have a nice, comfortable place to play his iPhone games and maybe check his twitter account to see what has been trending or if someone sent him a DM. Totally harmless. He may even sneak out a chuckle if he finds a tweet that makes him LOL. Don't be alarmed.

10) The Jerk
This is the guy who is spending a liiiitle too much time cleaning his slacks in a stall by wiping them off and it sound like he is, you know, not wiping his pants of some stain that needs a lot of attention at that particular moment, which makes you wonder if he is... naaaawww. At work? Really, dude?

11) The Ninja
The guy that doesn't make a sound the entire time you are doing your business. You only notice him when washing your hands and you notice there are a pair of shoes you can see under one of the stalls.

12) Grunty McStrainer
You hear him, every grunt, every strain. You almost expect to hear him actually
pass-out if he continues this.

13) The Rip-Off Artist
The guy that rips off a few pieces of TP, rips off more, goes for a third and fourth wipe. Jeez, how many butts do you have? How much of a mess did you make?

14) The Pisser
You will never see this guy but you will see the mess he leaves behind, all over the seat and floor. What. An. Asshole.

15) The Phantom
Another guy you will never see, but you will feel his presence when you sit down and feel the leftover warmth on the seat that he had been sitting on just a few short minutes ago.

16) The Tornado
This is usually some destructive kid who likes to rip the TP and throw it around the stall, leaving it looking like an F4 hit that stall. Usually it's someone that is visiting. Nobody does this where they work.

17) Dr J.(the Slam Dunker)
This guy will slam the toilet seat down so it creates a loud bang, almost literally scaring the crap out of you. BAM!

18) The Encroacher
This guy you only see coming and going, he works on a different floor but will use your bathroom to do his business. Usually seen exiting the bathroom and heads straight to the closest stairwell.

19) Mr. Muttersworth
He must have a lot on his mind because it spills out when he is in the stall. You can't understand what he's saying, it's just muttering. This guy is the one that is most likely to go on a shooting spree at work.

20) The Eyeball
This idiot is the guy who will walk by a stall and take a peek by looking through the quarter inch of space between the door and side wall. He could have just looked for any shoes under the stalls to see if anyone was occupying a certain stall, but no. He is going for the full monty.

21) The Dump & Dash
The guy that comes in after you, does his business in world record time and leaves just as quickly. In such a hurry, he doesn't bother to wash his hands, usually. Yeah, don't shake hand with this guy.

22) The Plunger
That is what you will need after this guy pays a visit. Saving up for a week? My god man, get some more fiber in your diet.

23) Taco Hell
This guy will run in and barely make it to the stall and let loose. Guess the extra jalapeno peppers on your enchilada didn't work out so good. Burns going in and burns going out.

24) The Janitor
Literally, the guy that shows up while you are copping a squat and decides that now is the best time to clean the bathroom. You might be so bold to alert him with a courtesy flush but he will probably ignore your shout-out and continue his task. The man has a job to do (Doodie calls). Of course, he leaves the door to the bathroom propped wide open the whole time. He restocks the paper, sprays the toilets and mops the floor. All the while he can see the two feet under one of the stalls and just decides to keep cleaning. Totally. Awkward.

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